rest: the beginning
I did a weird thing for me this weekend: I rested. Like, a little. I watched the clouds give way to blue sky. I made some oatmeal because my body was craving it. I opened a new magazine and I sat on a couch in my messy living room that is more Lego room that living at this point and I read the articles, looked at the pictures, and tore out a few pages of inspiration. I didn't clean up the Legos first. I left the oatmeal container open on the kitchen counter with dishes in the sink. I gave into the clouds that were here to stay and I rested.
A bit of a back story and maybe a preface to the back story - is there such thing as a back story to a back story? - is that I'm seeing a very loving and capable therapist who is echoing my very loving and caring husband and my very loving and caring friends and they are collectively echoing a very loving and caring God who are all teaching me and shaping me and helping me. So, don't worry.
I don't rest. I don't know how. Like, truly. Medicine has helped numb me out for a while (and good Lord, thank you so much for medicine), but it always sort of wears off or doesn't seem to see me through right to the core of it, you know?
I was presenting on Zoom to a few beloved creative entrepreneur friends of mine last week on time management and organization. My goodness, I still have so much to learn, but I've somehow shepherded this team and this business while essentially being a full time stay-at-home mom (I have worked a few 6-hour days a week if I'm lucky for the past 8 years). I know my way around a fringe moment, y'all, and in order to know your way around fringe moments, a gal has to be ORGANIZED. So I shared my techniques, my to-do's. And, as I was speaking, I realized something that I've known for a long time - that those loving folks listed above have told me for a long time: my military-like determination and, well, discipline, has driven me to a place where my heart and brain and whole entire body doesn't just not know how to rest, it's terrified of rest.
Surely every single thing in my entire universe will fall apart without me constantly doing and doing and then doing some more, right?
Can I get an amen from anyone out there? It's not just the not knowing how. It's that I'm afraid of it. It's that when I lie down to rest, my mind starts the spinning cycle of all that there is to be done that so many struggle with. But, it also starts believing the false accusations that I'm the only one who can possibly hold it all up (hi, leaving God's oh so capable arms out of the equation) and that if I sit down or don't do something useful for a few hours, I have failed. I am a failure.
I'm starting to think that it's about trust, y'all (and so much more). It all spins together to make me appear to be a peaceful, settled person on the outside who is anything but on the inside. When your mind has been go, go, go for who on earth knows how long, you numb a bit. And when you numb, you appear pretty peaceful.
But, like, order is beautiful. God loves order, we all know that. Being organized and using those fringe hours has allowed me to be a part of this beautiful thing Laurel Denise is while also guiding, guarding, and protecting my little ones in the safety and peace of our home for the entirety of their little kiddo at-home years. Those things are good. But, also, rest is also so beautiful. And, resting isn't laziness. Order and rest. Both filled with so much purpose and help.
Both. And. Words I'm learning to love.
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I-Am-Not-A-Cook Oatmeal Recipe: gluten-free oatmeal, vanilla almond milk, chia seeds, scoop of almond butter, dash of arbonne chocolate protein powder, sliced almonds on top